I felt broken, and all I wanted was to pick up the pieces, except I couldn’t. I wanted to get up, but with every try, I felt like I was knocked back down again. The weight of it all was too heavy for me to bear. I couldn’t hold myself up, so what did I do?
I sat there. I sat with the broken pieces in my hands. I sat in the presence of God, asking Him to take the burden from me.
“Father, take these broken pieces from my hands, and give me your peace instead. I can’t do this any longer. I give it all to you.”
I wish I could tell you that this was a one time prayer. But the truth, the truth is that at one point, it was a part of my daily life.
Naturally, I struggled with the brokenness of my marriage. I constantly questioned myself and the decisions I made. Replaying conversations in my head, I would ask myself… “How did we get here? Where did we go wrong? What do we need to work on? Was it something that I did?” Then I would drift to the other extreme… “Why would he do this to me? I don't deserve this. At least I’m trying to work on our relationship. He’s not even trying to fix things.” My mind was constantly conflicted. I’d go from feeling insecure like I messed up somewhere along the way, to feeling so angry at my husband for the things he had done and his lack of action. I had so much anxiety; I couldn’t handle it. It felt like there was a constant storm of thoughts going on in my mind. And the more I thought things through, the worse it got. The more I tried to figure out what had happened, and how to fix it, the deeper I dug a hole that I couldn’t get out of.
Finally, I realized that I couldn’t continue that same cycle. I wanted to live in joy and peace. I wanted the same thing for my children.
I spent my time in the presence of God, listening to worship music. Often times I didn’t have the words to pray, or even the energy to pray them. So I listened to His word, and allowed it to minister to me.
When you don’t know what to do, just sit in His presence.
He is there, in those moments of brokenness. Lean on Him. Whatever it is that you are feeling, let it out. He's not afraid of your hurt, your pain, your anger, or your resentment. Allow Him to sit with you, right there, in the middle of it all.
During that time of my life, I relied heavily on my favorite bible passage:
“Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:28-31 NLT)
I can remember reciting this scripture over and over again. Reminding myself that I might be overwhelmed and exhausted, but God is not. It is never too much for Him to handle. When we trust our situation to Him, we find a new strength. This is a supernatural strength. When we are at the end of our rope, His strength kicks in and carries us. We are able to keep on going, using the strength of our God.
This is the Holy Spirit at work in us.
He is our comforter, advocate, intercessor, and strengthener.
Jesus promises the Holy Spirit’s presence in our lives.
“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you.” (John 14:16 NLT)
“I have told you these things while I am still with you. But the Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor—Counselor, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will help you remember everything that I have told you.” (John 14:25-26 AMP)
How did I have the strength to endure years of pain and make it to the other side? The truth is that I didn’t. My strength was not my own. I came to the end of my rope more times than I can remember, and each time, the Holy Spirit lifted me up and carried me. He renewed me, and gave me the ability to get back up in faith, and fight another day. When I lost my way and forgot the promises of God, the Holy Spirit was the one that reminded me that I was not alone. He reminded me of how much God cares for me, and that He would never leave me.
But, what I didn’t know at the time, is that God was calling me into a deeper relationship with him.
Jesus said:
“For no one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them to me...” John 6:44 NLT
You see, when we are at the end of our rope, and there is a desire to reach out to the one who created us, it is not just our instincts. God is drawing us to Himself. He sees us in our darkest moments, and He is saying, “come to me.”
God uses our hardships to draw us closer to Himself.
Your Heavenly Father is pursuing you right now. He is tugging on your heart, calling you out, and drawing you to himself. You are His child, and He wants you to come to him so that He can comfort you and strengthen you. He takes our greatest weaknesses and turns them into strengths. He uses the ashes in our lives, and makes beautiful testimonies out of them, healing us, strengthening us, and molding us along the way.
This is my story. In my darkest days, the Lord’s Spirit came to my rescue. He comforted me, strengthened me, and walked with me. I was not alone; I had a Helper. And you have a Helper. Use His help.
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