Defender

I needed to fight for myself. I mean, if my husband wasn’t going to stand up for me, who else was? I wasn’t going to just stand by and do nothing. I needed to do something. But, no matter how hard I tried, I still felt like I didn’t have a voice. It was like what I thought didn't even matter. I felt like I didn’t even matter. It seemed like nothing got through to him. No amount of appealing worked. There were so many things going on in our relationship, and there was nothing I could do about it. Absolutely nothing. This went on for years. I spent so much time trying to get my husband to see where I was coming from. I thought that if I was able to get him to see things from my perspective, he would understand, he would apologize, and he would try to make things better. But, every time I made this attempt and failed, it left me feeling even more hurt, misunderstood, empty, and helpless. It was so draining. I was striving to protect myself from the pain, but that was not my burden to bear. Once I learned this, I no longer lived a life of defense. I was able to live knowing that I did not have to fight for myself, because God would fight for me. God will fight for you. But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” (Exodus 14:13-14 NLT ) “That sounds good Moses. But how? How do I allow God to fight for me? How can I possibly ‘just stay calm?’ Am I supposed to just allow this to happen?” Take note of what Moses said. He said to “stand still.” He didn’t say to sit still. Sitting is passive; sitting is doing nothing, but standing is active. Standing takes strength. Moses wanted them to stand in the strength of the Lord. He wanted them to stay calm, because God would fight for them. We have to realize that we are not alone in this. We have someone greater that is on our side. What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? (Romans 8:31 NLT) But, I didn’t know how to be still. I didn’t know how to trust God to fight my battles. What was I supposed to do? He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord , “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.” (Psalms 91:1-2 NKJV) The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. (Psalms 91:14-15 NLT) When we dwell (stay and remain) in the presence of God, we are able to have the peace of His covering and protection. When we are with Him, we do not have to strive to defend ourselves, because he stands between us and the problem. He goes before us, shielding us, and He has our backs. And the Lord , He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.” (Deuteronomy 31:8 NKJV) I wish I had learned to allow God to fight for me long ago. I would have saved myself years of anguish. Every time I look back on that period of my life, I feel like I wasted so much time. I didn’t realize that my victory was tied to how I was fighting. Fighting in my own strength got me no where. Actually, I can’t remember a time when fighting on my own behalf actually worked. If it hasn’t worked yet, chances are, it won’t. If you are in a similar space with you husband, where you are striving to change a situation, and your efforts are being ignored, please hear me. There is nothing that you, in your own strength, can do. You can appeal to your husband, but you can not control how he responds. Any effort to continually confront him with the same concerns over and over again, will cause more harm than good. It will drive an even deeper wedge between you and your husband, pushing him away, and leaving you feeling even more neglected. A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands. (Proverbs 27:15-16 NLT) If we repeat our concerns over and over again, we aren’t going to get the results that we want. If your husband hasn’t listened to you yet, repeating it one more time will not change his mind. Now, let me stop right here, because, my concerns were valid. I wasn’t wrong for wanting my husband to understand me. I just wasn’t using the right strategy for my situation. I had to go directly to God, because I realized, that He was the only one that could change things. You can’t go wrong, when you give it to God. What we have to realize is that communication is a tricky thing. There were many times when I sat down to talk to my husband for the sake of us making things better, but he perceived it as yet another jab directed at him. Every time I expressed an area of concern, he received it as one more strike against himself as a husband. He felt like he would never measure up to my expectations. He thought that he would never be good enough. That was not my intention, but that was how he processed it. So, my efforts were working against me. Translation plays a major role in communication. When someone is speaking, we don’t just hear what they are saying. We translate their words through our past experiences, how we perceive the person speaking, and even how we perceive ourselves. So, when I would talk to my husband, he heard what I was saying; but, he funneled it through his childhood memories and current struggles. And, because we were going through a tough time, he automatically thought I was trying to condemn him. This explains why his natural reaction was not to listen, but to defend himself. I struggled with this, because as wives, we should be able to voice our concerns and be heard by our husbands. But sometimes, this isn’t the case. And, in those instances, we have to go directly to God. I used to feel like the only way to get through to my husband, was for me to do what I needed to do, to get through to him. I was wrong, and that was proven by my lack of success. What I needed was another approach. I turned to my defender. Instead of taking every concern to my husband, I went right to God. I shared with Him my hurt, and He gave me His peace. I asked Him to soften my husbands heart, and He did. If there was a particular concern that I had, and my husband didn’t want to hear my viewpoint, I took it to God. I asked Him to show my husband, and He did. Time and time again, God spoke for me. He changed my husband’s heart, and gave us a oneness that we've never had before. Instead of trying to convince him to see my perspective, our perspectives started to collide. This is why it is important to dwell in the presence of God. When you are in His presence, He begins to show you His will. And we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him. And since we know he hears us when we make our requests, we also know that he will give us what we ask for. (1 John 5:14-15 NLT) Jesus said it like this: But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! (John 15:7 NLT) So, you aren’t just praying for God to give you what you want, you are praying for God to accomplish what He already desires to do. God will show you how to pray for His will. Get in his word, and read His thoughts on the matters of your life. Then, His thoughts will become your thoughts, and your desires will align with His. This is the sweet spot of prayer; this is prayer that works. Try not to focus so much on your husband and his actions, because you can’t change them in your own strength. Leave that to God. He will personally speak for you, and He will hold your husband accountable. God has given your husband authority in your household. But with that authority, He has also given your husband great responsibility. This was the case with Adam. The Lord God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to tend and watch over it. But the Lord God warned him, “You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden— except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die.” (Genesis 2:15-17 NLT) God gave his instruction to Adam only, as Eve had not been created yet. So, Adam was expected to relay the instructions from God to his wife. And, God expected Adam to make sure that His instructions were followed. When Adam and Eve disobeyed God and ate the forbidden fruit, God came looking for Adam first. Adam was expected to lead, because he was the one that had received the instruction directly from God. When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the Lord God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the Lord God among the trees. Then the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” (Genesis 3:8-9 NLT) God’s question to Adam was for self-reflection only. He didn’t loose Adam, and He wasn’t confused as to what had happened. God wanted Adam to stop and assess the effects of his own actions. He wanted Adam to be aware of His disobedience. Adam replied: ...“I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.” “Who told you that you were naked?” the Lord God asked. “Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat?” (Genesis 3:10‭-11) God didn't just hold Adam responsible for eating the fruit, He held Adam responsible for yielding to his wife, instead of leading her. And to the man he said, “Since you listened to your wife and ate from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat, the ground is cursed because of you. All your life you will struggle to scratch a living from it. (Genesis 3:17 NLT) God created our husbands. He knows everything about them. He knows their thoughts, and why they do the things they do. The things that confuse us, are not confusing to God. He knows the root cause of our struggles. He can address the heart issues and speak to our husbands in a way that is personal to them. God speaks in a language that is unmatched by our efforts. But, we have to get out of the way, and allow our defender to fight for us. God will not step in unless we step back. Give it to Him. Whatever it is, give it to God. Stop holding on to the things that you have no control over. The truth is, no matter how hard you try, you, alone, are not strong enough to change your situation. If you were, you would have done so by now. I know this is tough, but I say this because I wish someone had said it to me. When I found out that I had someone greater on my side, when I found out that I had a defender, everything began to change. Things that I had gone through for years, changed in a matter of weeks or months. Every good thing in my marriage is the result of God fighting for me (and my husband); I have no clever tactics. And, He wants to do the same thing for you. He is able, and He is faithful. Trust in Him. Prayer Heavenly Father I can’t do this alone. I’m tired of fighting this fight in my own strength. I give you this burden, and I ask that you give me your peace instead. I need your presence to go before me, I need you beside me, and I need you to have my back. Show me how to fight for my marriage. Teach us how to communicate with each other. I pray that you would remove anything that divides us, and that you would mold us into one. Restore the broken areas of our lives. Give me the strength to bring my cares to You, because you are my advocate. You will fight for me. You are the one that can change everything. Remind me that I do not have to fight for myself, because you are my defender. Help me to trust that you care for me. Remind me that there is nothing that is impossible for you. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.