The desire has always been there, in our hearts. The desire to be protected. The desire to be loved and pursued. As woman, we live to see such a day. The day when we are covered by our husbands. It's a yearning that stems from the depths of our souls. Our hearts cry out for it. This is how our Creator intended it to be.
But there is one thing I want you to know: The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. (1 Corinthians 11:3 NLT)
Do you see it? God intends for us to be covered by a husband. We aren’t wrong for having this desire. God put it in our hearts. The yearning is there because He wants it there. But we must understand God’s intention for this dynamic. We must understand the process of getting to the place that God already ordained for us.
I wish I could say that I went through this process the way that God intended me to. But the truth is that I learned this lesson the hard way. And my hope is that, wherever you find yourself at, whether you are married, engaged, or single, you would understand this process now. And the good news is that it’s never too late…you’ll see this as I share my story. God can work in your situation right now. He has no limits. All it takes is intentionality and alignment.
Once we align ourselves with Christ, everything else falls into place.
My husband and I got engaged and married very young. We had been together since high school, so once we hit our twenties, it made since for us to tie the knot. I thought we were doing everything right. We attended church together regularly, served together, joined the marriage club at church, and even went to premarital counseling. We completed all of the sessions, and we were committed to doing whatever we needed to do to be there for each other. We did everything that we thought was needed to build a successful life together.
Our wedding day was filled with family and friends, whom all gave us sound advice, “Keep God first in your marriage.” We even did the Cord of Three ceremony, signifying Ecclesiastics 4:12.
A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:12 NLT)
There’s just one problem…in theory, it sounded great. “Yeah, keep God in the center of our marriage and we’ll be together forever.” But, neither one of us really understood what that meant. We didn't know how to keep God in the center of our marriage. We thought it meant something abstract, like keep God in your lives, and He’ll hold everything together. We understood this concept in such a general way. Honestly, we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.
It wasn’t until everything fell apart, that we understood this advice, and it’s true meaning. It’s not that we must keep God in our lives. It’s not that we should make sure we worship together as a couple. Yes, those things are necessary, and vital. But we missed what was most important. We skipped the first step. And because we got step one wrong, everything else fell out of place. So we had to start over. We had to go back to step one, so that God could build us back up, His way.
A solid foundation is mandatory.
“Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.” (Matthew 7:24-27 NLT)
So how do we build our lives, and our marriages, on solid rock? By maintaining a personal relationship with Christ. It is imperative that we make our alone time, in the presence of God, our first priority. I can’t stress enough, how important this is.
And once you are married, it is even more important to remain intentional about pursuing your personal relationship with Christ. Because when we get married, we tend to put so much focus on pleasing our husbands. We get wrapped up in the joy of having the love of our lives, that we forget about the One that loved us first.
… In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. (1 Corinthians 7:34-35 NLT)
This is the danger of marriage…we get so concerned with the relationship and responsibilities, that we neglect the most important relationship we’ll ever have. The only relationship that can carry us through the unplanned testing and trials of life.
It is amazing to be married to the love of your life, and best friend. But what happens when that person leaves? What happens when all hell breaks loose, and all hope is lost? What do you do when the person you’ve depended on for years suddenly says, “I’m done?”
That’s my story. Yours will look different. No two situations will ever be the same. But the point that I’m trying to make is that the dream of living happily ever after does not exist apart from Christ.
Christ is the only one that you can build your marriage on.
Only Christ can do the work. A happy marriage is not built by two people weaving themselves together. It’s not built by having a strong bond, and adding a sprinkle of God into the mix. This isn’t possible. But when each person is seeking Christ separately, the Holy Spirit brings them together as one.
Michael and I are night and day. And if you had a chance to sit with us for any amount of time, you would quickly come to the same conclusion. You just wouldn’t think we were made for each other. But this is where the Holy Spirit comes in. Only He has the ability to take two people that come from completely different backgrounds, with completely opposite opinions, and form them into a couple that complements each other perfectly. No amount of relationship books, personality quizzes, or human wisdom can accomplish this.
With the help of the Holy Spirit, your union will be complete. But, your husband's purpose is not to complete who God created you to be. And, I know, we’ve all heard that only Christ can complete us. But I think this is worth taking a deeper look into. Because although I knew this before I got married, I was still broken. I did, and I still do, have areas of my life that I need healing in. But when I got married, I looked for Michael to fill all those voids. And he was amazing. He was there for me, he was very affectionate and loving, and he showed appreciation often. But, I realize now, that I became dependent on all of those things to bring me happiness. And honestly, I took them for granted.
So when we separated, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had attached my stability, my happiness, and my identity to him. I didn’t know who I was. I was confused about life, frankly. And, through the process of seeking healing for myself and my marriage, God showed me where we went wrong. We built our lives on each other, our careers, and the pursuit of life, instead of pursuing a true relationship with our Savior. We failed to build our marriage on solid ground.
This makes all the difference. Not only in a marriage, but in life. God showed me that what was most important was my own personal relationship with Christ. Christ didn’t just need to be present in my life; He needed to be first in my life.
My husband was always the first person that I ran to when I was down. He was the one that I trusted my heart to. I put my faith in his consistency. But the only problem is that my husband is only a man. No matter how amazing he is, he can not be everything I need him to be all the time. And, I quickly found this out.
But once I aligned myself with Christ, he showed me the way. He showed me the answer to all the problems that I was trying to solve for myself. And He showed me how to position myself in His will for me. I needed Him to teach me. I needed Him to transform me.
Individual transformation is what molds two people into one.
And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” (Matthew 19:5-6 NLT)
God created marriage. He is the one that joins two people together and forms them into one.
This is why the scripture says, “…let no one split apart what God has joined together.” (v. 6) God joins together a husband and wife on their wedding day. But the manifestation of that union, the ability to see the fruit, takes going through a process.
And I believe that this is where most marriages go wrong. The husband and wife get to the point where they realize that it isn’t working. They aren’t meshing into one. But what they fail to understand is that God is the only one that can do this.
Woman have specific needs. We want to be loved and protected. We want to be led and covered. And when those needs aren’t being met by our husbands, we tend to get frustrated with them. We tend to address this issue with them, in an effort to solve the problem.
But in my time of waiting for healing in my marriage, the Holy Spirit showed me a different perspective.
I had it all wrong. How could I expect something from my husband that I wasn’t ready to receive. How could I expect to be led if I was not ready to follow. How could I expect to be covered, without being willing to submit.
I was not ready to receive what I was praying for. If I was not able to submit to Christ, how could I submit to a husband. If I wasn’t able to lay down my plans and follow Christ, how could I come to a place of allowing my husband to lead me.
Our personal walk with Christ is what prepares us for marriage.
As I walked with Christ, He showed me how to submit to my husband and how to allow him to lead me. Only the Holy Spirit can mold me into the wife that my husband needs. And only the Holy Spirit can mold my husband into the man that I need. This is a burden that only He can carry, it's a work that only He can do.
But marriage is not meant to complete us. It is meant to compliment who Christ already is, in our lives.
The truth is that we need something more than a husband. We do need completeness. We need to be healed and comforted. We need to be heard and understood. We need someone that will always be there. We need someone that will be forever present in our lives. But the only one that can be what we need him to be, consistently, all the time, is the Holy Spirit.
The only one that can fill the void in our lives is the Spirit of God within us.
But when the Father sends the Advocate as my representative—that is, the Holy Spirit—he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you. “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. (John 14:26-27 NLT)
The Holy Spirit is the gift. He is the one that can give us the true peace that we desire. He is the one that we’ve been waiting for all this time, and He’s always been there, pursuing us. He’s been looking for every opportunity to say, “Here I AM.”
He is the one that makes us complete. Without Him in our lives, we seek fulfillment in people and things on this earth, and we are only let down. But when we invite Him in. When we share our needs with Him first, and wait on Him, we give Him the opportunity to fulfill us in that area. This is an ongoing process. This takes intentionality. This is a daily process of spending time in His presence and allowing Him to fill us up, and make us whole.
It wasn't until I was separated from my husband, that I truly looked for God to fill the voids in my life. But His work is never done. He is always working in me. He is always mending broken pieces; He is always restoring.
Every time we have a need, it is one more opportunity to be filled with His Spirit. It is one more opportunity to be made whole.
When Christ is our foundation, it doesn’t matter what happens in life, we can stand strong. Yes, there will still be tough seasons and disappointments, but our strength comes from God. And His goodness and faithfulness never runs out.
This is the difference between building your life on a person, and building your life on God. Your husband will never be able to hold the weight of your desires and your emptiness on his shoulders. It would be too heavy a weight for anyone to bear. But it’s never too much for God.
Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:28-31 NLT)
I love this passage so much. It reminds me that I have an endless source that lives inside of me. I don’t have to look for my husband to be who my Creator already is. And neither do you. What you need is already available. He’s already covered you, but you have to be willing to accept it. You have to be willing to share with Him the areas that you need Him in the most, and allow Him to fill you up there. Then realize that it will always be Him. He will always be the one that you run to first. He will always be your source.
Prayer
Heavenly Father, thank you for being the source of everything that I will ever need in this life. I need you now, to come into my life, and mend every bit of brokenness. I need your hand to touch the wounds that I have been dealing with for so long. I believe that you are my healer, and that you are working in my heart right now. I pray that your Spirit would take residence in every part of me that feels empty and void. Make me complete in you. Show me how to surrender myself to you, so that you can build me into the woman that you’ve called me to be. Remind me that everything that I need is found in you. You are my peace, my comforter, my rest. I will wait on you. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
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