There's this tension. On one hand, I am basking in the blessings of God. On the other hand, I am still dealing with the pain of the past. And I don't know how to reconcile the two. How do I move forward? How do I enjoy the blessings of God, and heal from the pain of what once was? These are the questions that I battle with today. And God has been faithful. He has been walking me through this, day by day.
He’s shown me to lean on Him, in the moment.
My feelings are a constant reminder of how much I need Him. Not just during my morning worship, but in the brief moments of sadness, in the times when I don’t have the energy to go about my day, and in the times when I just want to feel Him near. Because He’s always there. His presence is always with us. It’s just about our awareness.
This has been a season of intentional awareness for me. God is asking me to go deeper. He’s asking me to bring every feeling to Him, exchanging all of it, for His peace. But that does not make it any easier. I would love to push the past into the back of my mind and move forward, but that will only hinder me in the future.
We have to grieve. We have to heal from our past, before we can fully experience God’s blessings in our lives.
And I’m sure that I’m not alone in this. I’m sure that there are parts of your past that are affecting you in your present. And I don’t just mean the memories. I mean the pain that can sometimes be paralyzing. Because our past will always be there. We can’t shut it down, and we can’t run away from it. We have to heal through it.
Suppressing the past only leads to a lack of abundance in the future.
The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows]. (John 10:10 AMP)
This is what we want. We don’t just want a good life. We want a life of abundance. We want to live our lives to the full...we need His overflow.
This is where I am. Yes, God healed my marriage. My family is happier and healthier than we have ever been. God has moved us into a place of healing and peace that we've never had before. But, I still find myself unable to fully receive everything that God has done, or is doing in my life.
There’s been days when I’ve felt the pain of the past creep up on me. And although I have the proof of God’s miracles in my life, I have the proof that God is for me…He's my protector, my healer, and my deliverer, I still have to deal with the mentality of my past. Years of pain, and feelings that my future will be the same. I’ve even found myself telling God that nothing's changed. The situation feels all to familiar at times. But He says, “I know it seems that way. I know it feels the same, but I promise you, it’s not.”
As I sat in the pain, I wondered why…. why do I have to deal with this? Why all the heartache, why all the let down. And for me, I am more bothered that I am being tormented by something that isn’t even a part of the current state of my life. It’s not my reality that interferes with my moving forward, it’s my state of mind. Although my situation is healed, my mind isn’t. My life has physically moved on, but my consciousness is still stuck in the past.
This is the state that I find myself in, every now and then. Feeling like I want to move forward, but I can’t. Because everything in my spirit is telling me to stay, and grieve. The Holy Spirit said to allow myself the time to work through the past, with Him. And as I worshiped, and really just grieved in the presence of God, He brought the Israelites to mind. And I thought, this must be how they felt in the wilderness.
The Israelites had been through so much. Generations of slavery, and generations of believing that God would rescue them. But when He finally delivered them from the hand of the Egyptians, they weren’t ready to receive it. His grace looked nothing like they thought it would.
As Pharaoh approached, the people of Israel looked up and panicked when they saw the Egyptians overtaking them. They cried out to the Lord , and they said to Moses, “Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness?...” (Exodus 14:10-11 NLT)
They were afraid of the Egyptians, even after all the miracles that God performed in front of them. They saw, with their own eyes, the plagues that He sent to the Egyptians. Through Moses, God told them that He would rescue them and deliver them, and He did. He made good on His promise. Yet, they were still afraid. The situation seemed all too familiar to them. They were being chased by the same people that killed their children, the people that had oppressed them for so long. It’s only natural that they would respond this way. But their fear was only caused by their perception of their circumstance, not facts. They were afraid of what could have happened. How do we know this? Because the scripture says that they, “…panicked when they saw the Egyptians overtaking them.” (v. 10) But that isn’t actually what happened. At no point, did God allow the Israelites to be overtaken. It might have felt that way. It might have felt like that was the most probable outcome, based on their past experience, but that was not their reality.
They were so used to being helpless against their oppressors, that they hadn’t even opened their eyes to the fact that God was with them. And His Spirit was with them in a natural sense. They could see His presence, through the pillar of fire at night, and the cloud by day. But their fear of the past, had too tight of a grip on them.
Then the angel of God, who had been leading the people of Israel, moved to the rear of the camp. The pillar of cloud also moved from the front and stood behind them. The cloud settled between the Egyptian and Israelite camps. As darkness fell, the cloud turned to fire, lighting up the night. But the Egyptians and Israelites did not approach each other all night. (Exodus 14:19-20 NLT)
What seemed like a familiar situation of defeat for the Israelites, was actually a setup from God. He intentionally led them to this place.
God wanted to manifest Himself to the Israelites through the defeat of their greatest enemy.
…I have planned this in order to display my glory through Pharaoh and his whole army… (Exodus 14:4 NLT)
This is why we can’t just brush beyond our past like it never happened. God manifests Himself right in the middle of it. In the middle of the fear and the pain, is where we experience His strength the most. This is where His healing is found.
All we want, is to get to our promised land. The place of freedom from the past. A place where we can remember the past, yet feel victorious over it. Because we can be victorious, and not feel that way. But what we want, is to be able to experience the joy that comes from living a victorious life. And although the path looks unsure, true victory is found wherever He is. And He’s telling us to follow Him to the place of our brokenness, so that He can restore us there, and redeem what was lost.
He wants our victory to be in the place of our greatest disappointments.
It was in the middle of their greatest fear, that the Israelites experienced the greatest miracle. And, it was the time that they stood still. It was the time that they remained in the presence of God, and allowed Him to fight on their behalf.
But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” (Exodus 14:13-14 NLT)
This is what God is showing me in this season. It’s hard as a wife and mother to slow down and allow myself to heal. It’s hard to take that moment just to rest, and breathe. But that is exactly what I need. That is what we all need.
The seasons of stillness are where we find His rest, and His healing for our souls.
He leads us along this path intentionally. His grace forces us to take that break, so that we can lean into Him.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. (Psalms 23:2-3 NKJV)
We are all ready to get to where we are going, but He tells us to be still, because He knows what we need. He sees the open wounds that we try to cover up. He sees the days when we try with all our might, to hold the tears in. But He says, “Let me hold your tears. Tell me what you need. In your brokenness, is where you will find My peace that sustains.”
He will lead us to rest in Him, if we’ll only allow Him to.
And I know how hard it is. I know the pain that comes through this process. I’m there right now. Every bit of me wants it to be over. I’m ready for the next season of my life. And unintentionally, I’ve attempted to rush the process. I’ve told myself that I don’t have time to grieve, because there are too many people counting on me. But I also know that my best life only comes through true healing.
There’s no way to rush this process. Masking the pain will only last for so long. Eventually, it will begin to seep into other areas of our lives.
We have to deal with the root cause of our pain. We have to allow His Spirit to heal us there.
But it takes intentionality. Because our lives are so busy with responsibility, that we usually don’t stop to allow God to touch the places where we need healing. But He says to talk to Him about everything, only then can we find His peace.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7 NKJV)
He wants to give us a different narrative. He wants to show us the flip side of the coin that we are so quick to throw away. The way to our promised land is through the brokenness. It’s through the pain. It might seem like you're going to a place that you’ve been before, but if you're walking with Him, I promise you, you’re not. Because He never moves backwards, even when He takes us to familiar spaces, He’s always moving us forwards in His plan.
His goal is always for us to walk with Him, and to depend on Him.
In the moments when I am fearful, stressed, or anxious, it is because I am dependent on someone or something other than God. And when I bring the fear to Him, whether it’s a fear of being let down, or a fear of running out, He says “Don’t put your faith in them, don’t put your faith in the thing, put your faith in Me.”
That is what I believe He wants to say to you today. Keep your faith in Him. Keep your hope in Him. Everyone and everything else will let you down, but He won’t. So be still and trust His plan. Trust that He knows the best route. Trust that He’s leading you to a place of peace. A place where you can find the rest that your soul needs. A place of true wholeness and healing.
Prayer
Heavenly Father, thank you for leading me along this path of healing. You know exactly what I need. You know all the places that I need your healing touch in, and you know how those wounds are affecting me right now. But I no longer want to allow my past to prevent me from experiencing everything you have for me. I want to live a victorious life. I want to live in the fullness of your plan for me. So right now, I choose to wait on you. I choose to rest in your presence, so that I can be restored. Holy Spirit, remind me not to be anxious or fearful about anything, but to pray about everything, so that I can live in your peace. Remind me to be still. Remind me that you are with me, and that your blood cover all things. As I rest in you, I know that you are strengthening me. I know that you are healing me, building me up, and preparing me to walk into all that you have planned for me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
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